There are three unfinished spiritual books on my night stand plus two more on my iPod.
I’m also in the middle of a history of the American Ci vil War and Proust’s first novel. My night stand also holds several tried and true spiritual books that bring me comfort, depending on my mood.
I have been reading spiritual books since 1990 or so, and have yet to settle into a favorite genre or field. The range of books I've read includes Christian theology and spirituality (conservative and liberal), Christology, Pneumatology, Mariology, church history, poetry, Eastern philosophy, and new age.
I say this not to brag, but to confess a weakness. In fact, I believe this spiritual restlessness is a sign of my brokenness—proof of the existence of “original sin” in my soul, if you will. My wife thinks my intellectual curiosity is some sort of marvel, but it is really a quest for some sort of relief. I wish I could say that I am a scholar or an intellectual, but the truth is that 18 years ago I first read the bible, John of the Cross, and Augustine, and have been looking ever since for the fix those books gave me.
These days, I have to be away from home in order to connect with words in the same way I did when I was 19. The Gideon’s bible in a hotel room—the more soulless and generic the better—brings me closest to the raw power of the Word to lift my soul. On a recent business trip, the first two chapters of II Kings touched me like a burning coal, searing away my homesickness, depression, and anxiety. That sort of transportation rarely happens any more, even during church services.
Many of the great spiritual writers such as Thomas a Kempis warn against seeking out spiritual consolations, saying that grace is the sole provenance of God. They also warn against intellectual curiosity for fear of pridefulness. Spiritual dryness is seen by them as a gift. Some days I wish I could accept that philosophy. I wish I could walk away from the books on my night stand and in my library and live in the freshness of the Lord. In the mean time, I will keep buying books, reading halfway into them, and hoping against hope that I will find the words that will release me from these negative emotions.
Yes, John, I really understand where you are. We have access to so much spiritual knowledge today with the computer and all I am having the same problem. My church tells us to guard our minds, but I have always wanted to know more and now we have the ability to do so..I too have looked for just the right way even though I know it I think maybe it will be enhanced by something I didn't. God bless you and may you find peace
Posted by: Sandi 7/30/2008 4:07:01 PM
Rejoice in the amazing truth that it is God, Himself, who is calling you to His Presence! From what I've read, it would seem that your getting away from busyness (be that at home, church, or even all the books you are reading) is key.... my best encouragement for you is to find a place of quiet and let your heart cry out to Him - then wait--wait for His Answer and His Presence.
Posted by: marti 7/30/08, 3pm central 7/30/2008 4:02:07 PM
John, I too, feel as though I understand what you are saying...I hope you allow yourself the grace to be soothed by whatever words nourish you, from whatever source you happen to be reading. Perhaps you will finish these books, perhaps not, but one thing we know... God is not finished with you!!! Peace
Posted by: Marilyn 7/30/2008 11:02:02 AM
Thank you for this insight! I too have been searching for the God of consolation and living in the past and future. It will keep anyone in a negative state of anxiety. It is only when I realized I was too tired to fight anymore that I had to surrender (lay fallow) and let God take over.
Posted by: Monica 7/30/2008 11:02:02 AM
John, Mmmm...I'm feeling your pain-- seriously. St Teresa reminds us to enjoy the consolations and then move on--move on to find God in the present moment. What you are describing, especially in your last paragraph, is something St. Teresa also cautions us about: Are you seeking the consolations of God or the God of consolation' And, as long as you are not in the present moment (not easy to do), we open ourselves up to living in the past or the future. God lives in the present. My advice is to stop looking and ask to be quiet enough to receive. One of my very favorite prayers is a simple one gained from many years of engaging in the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius (not alone--never alone but with a director)--Lord, please give me eyes to see and ears to hear. 'Scales' fall from my eyes at those time just from surrendering myself to that simple prayer. I have plenty of books to recommend if you're interested but you need to move from your head to your heart. Also, there is a time to lay fallow so God can do his work. The whole purpose of the Dark Nights is so God can get his work done in us without us interfering. I once heard an AA speaker say if God is your co-pilot, you're in the wrong seat. Amen to that! June in Texas
Posted by: hermitage1421@verizon.net 6/6/2008 2:52:02 PM
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